Why is it that most relationship fails? Why is it that even though you are trying to do your best for the other person, in the end, it ended up in betrayal, being taken for granted and hurtful ending? – And, what should you do differently to create a successful relationship from the get-go?

Is it true 99% of friendship with others failed? Blamed it on the words “Bad Luck.”?

DEADLY SIN #1: You’re dealing with takers.

People who have the mentality of taking from others are not capable of love. – There is no exception to that. Of course, they will give you something with the expectation that you will return the favors. When you don’t or say “NO” to their requests, they will get very aggregated or aggressive.

The question is, “How do you identify a taker?”

That’s a great question, really. The truth is you can’t identify with your eyes, but you can feel it in your heart. Also, every single time you are with this person, you will feel really drained. They don’t reciprocate. They don’t try to give back. They only take, take, and take until there is nothing left. – In other words, you will feel used.

DEADLY SIN #2: You’re in the relationship for a wrong reason.

A relationship is sacred. A relationship is a virtue. This is the reason why you need to ask yourself on WHY you are in a relationship. Are you in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship? Or Are you in a relationship because you want to give your best to the other person?

In every relationship whether it is with a friend or a potential spouse, it is all about what you can give to the other person. – With my mentors, I focus on doing my best to give back to them on many occasions. I don’t say it. I just do it. With my readers, I don’t focus on telling you what I am going to give you, but I use my messages through blog posts, articles, videos, and podcasts to show you that I care.

DEADLY SIN #3: You are kind to people who are unkind to you, but you take from people who are genuinely kind to you.

Every single day, you must nurture your existing relationship with givers. When things crossed the line, you need to find a way to fix it. – You can’t take anyone that kind to you for granted. And, you will always have to maintain the same type of personality you present to that person when you first met. In other words, you need to be YOU from the get-go.

You can’t fake it. You can’t have a dual personality. You have to be your authentic self that always focuses on what you can give to the other person. – Otherwise, in the long-run, when a giver wised up, they will flee and disappeared from your life. In many cases, it will be forever LOST.

It is important to know that when we choose to hurt those people that genuinely care about us, sooner or later, you will surround yourself only with those takers who are out there to get you once you become weak and vulnerable.

Most of us want to meet and settle down with the “right” person, and most of us want such a relationship to last. At the same time, the majority of romantic partnerships end in dissolution. What are some of the major causes?

Of course, every couple is unique. The longer two people shared their lives together, the more likely complex factors are involved. The list of reasons below is not meant to be comprehensive. They simply represent some of the most common and damaging factors behind relational dissolution.

DEADLY SIN #4  Trust Issues

Lack or loss of trust is one of the most harmful contagions to a couple’s long-term success. Without trust, a relationship misses two of the key anchors to a strong bond: safety and security.

Trust issues may include factors such as jealousy, possessiveness, unreasonable rigidity, emotional infidelity, physical/sexual infidelity, relational game playing, lack of reliability and dependability, lack of emotional support, lack of financial compatibility, and lack of mutually-supportive goals.

If you believe trust is a major issue in your relationship (or was in your former relationship), examine whether the lack of trust is based on a pattern of evidence (such as significant broken promises), or mostly subjective emotions (such as jealousy without proof). Consider honestly whether the lack of trust is based on tangible substance or unjustified fears.

DEADLY SIN #5  Different Expectations

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

― Mark Twain

It’s not easy for a couple to walk a journey together for a long time. The elements that frequently draw two people toward one-another at the beginning of a relationship – physical attraction, sexual passion, common interests, personality connections, socio-economic backgrounds – often become less central as the realities and demands of day to day life sets in. Overtime, a couple’s expectations in the relationship may differentiate, as they begin to see their respective life plans as “what I want,” instead of “what we want.”

Some of the reasons relationship divergence occur between a couple include:

Mister/Miss Right or Mister/Miss Right Now?

Does your partner see you as “Mister/Miss Right”, or “Mister/Miss Right Now”?  In other words, how serious is your partner about being in a long-term committed relationship with you? What about you with your partner?

Differences in Priorities

Your partner has different priorities and expectations regarding the relationship.

For some, the significant-other relationship (and family) is the primary center of gravity of life. Nothing else comes close in its importance.  

For others, a romantic relationship, even a committed one, is but one facet of life. There are many other aspects of life which, in their perspective, can justifiably take higher priority.

DEADLY SIN #6  Moving Through Life at Different Speeds

When one partner is learning and growing at a rapid pace, while the other is stagnating, this may be a source of relational divergence. One example of this would be a partner advancing quickly in her career and society, while her significant other is stagnating at home. The professional and social circles of the couple begin to diverge, and soon the couple themselves differentiate. They have physically, intellectually, and socially grown apart.

DEADLY SIN #7  Compatibility Issues.

Relational compatibility is a large topic worthy of full volumes of its own relationship compatibility from several perspectives, including compatibility in intimacy, compatibility in personality types, and compatibility in attachment styles.

DEADLY SIN #8  Communication Issues.

This is a big one. Numerous studies have identified communication (or a lack thereof) as one of the top reasons for couples therapy, as well as one of the top reasons for break-up and divorce.

Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, a foremost expert on couples studies, concluded after over twenty years of research that the single, best predictor of divorce is when one or both partners show contempt in the relationship.

Contempt, the opposite of respect, is often expressed via negative judgment, criticism, or sarcasm regarding the worth of an individual. In communication studies, this is known as being “tough on the person, soft on the issue”. Contemptuous communication works like poison – it destroys the health and well-being of a romantic relationship.

DEADLY SIN #9  Relational Abuse

For the purpose of this writing, relational abuse is defined as the repeated mistreatment of an individual. Examples of relational abuse include:  Verbal, emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse. Pathological manipulation. Pathological Narcissism. Pathological passive-aggressiveness. Excessive control and dominance.

DEADLY SIN #10  Life Habit Abuse.

Life habit abuses are traits which, although may or may not directly involve the partner (such as a secret gambling addiction), may ultimately affect the relationship in a destructive way. Examples of life habit abuse include: Drug addiction. Alcohol addiction. Gambling addiction. Sexual addiction.

DEADLY SIN #11  Grown Apart, Boredom, Staleness, Rut

If any of the four terms written above resonates with your relationship experience, there are a couple of elements to consider:

If you have been in a relationship for two years or less, and you and your partner have “grown apart”, it could be due to a lack of commitment, different expectations, lack of compatibility, or the natural process of trial and error in mate-finding.

If you are in a long-term relationship, it is possible that life obligations (such as school, work, and especially child-rearing) got in the way of couple connectedness and mutual evolvement. A classic example is the “empty nest” syndrome, where after all the children have grown and left home, the parents suddenly feel like strangers to one-another, having not focused on each another for so many years.

DEADLY SIN #12  Money Issues

The longer a couple has been together in a committed relationship, the greater the possibility of financial incompatibility. According to research, differences over money is one of the top reasons for marital dissolution. A couple also doesn’t need to be married to have money challenges.

Money issues and disputes tap into some of our deepest psychological needs and fears, including and not limited to trust, safety, security, power, control, and survival.

The question you need to ask yourself is, “What are you going to do to move forward on treating people who are genuinely kind to you?”

To your happiness

Bobby Wan